Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Touchdown Jesus has burned to the ground

When I was still working in a meat department (which, I swear, I'll affectionately be referring to as the good-ol-days before too long) I worked with someone who was new to the area. He had just moved to Northern Kentucky, and he pulled me aside at the end of the night like he had a secret to tell. He said, in a hushed voice "Keith... How do you deal with how religious it is out here?"

Honestly, sometimes I manage to forget what part of the country I'm seated in. You know. Until we build a Creation Museum. Or until Touch Down Jesus burns to the ground.

In honor (?) of the passing of the most ridiculous sculpture I have personally witnessed, I bring to you both the original poem I wrote about the statue last year, and now, its update:

Touchdown Jesus

If you make anything big enough,
use enough styrofoamplexiglass
or whatever other strange man-made
compound (words) you can find,
if you slam it down close enough
to a major highway, give it long enough
arms, make it just the right blend of
expensive and blatant, it will show
your devotion and spirit. Just ask
Touchdown Jesus, and slap him
4 high fives, one for each part
of the trinity. And one for me.


So Touchdown Jesus is aflame,
lightning licked his mighty hands
as he reached toward heaven.

A part of me wonders how long
it'll be before the pious
pay the way back up to the sky

and the other imagines the look
on God's face when he turned
His infinite eyes to Monroe, Ohio,

and saw His own son, 62 feet high,
reaching like a babe. Big, Christian
face (made in His own image), puppy dog

eyes, skin white as most devious sin.
It must've scared the bejeebus out of him.
Enough that lightning arced and broke the sky.


  1. you would think
    that there
    just might
    be a message in
    that strike
    of light

  2. just saw a shooting star outside my window right after I read this poem for the seond time...


    This is appalling to me as an actual Christian because we are not to make graven images and this is one. So I don't think they're actually Christian. Perhaps I'll call the artisans, DaVinci devotees. Still your poem(s) about such a campy eyesore and its demise, work well!

  3. I'm drunk on the 34 degree heat here in Montreal, but it strikes me the latter part of the poem could read:

    His infinite eyes to Monroe, Ohio,

    and saw His own son, 62 feet high,
    reaching like a babe.

    Must've scared the bejeebus out of him.

    I'm sorry, all that thunder and lightning strikes me as false as that statue. But you're on the right path. All power to you!

  4. Brian- I suppose I was trying directly to reference the lightning strike that really happened, and I actually spent quite a lot of time trying to end on the line you've set to end my poem on.

    So I suppose I'll probably take your advice exactly. Thankya!